false hopes (?)

i once hope... dream.....and held into a promise that i know would make me feel complete. time passed and until now, the same remained to be unfulfilled. when i finally came into proper discernemnt i have already dropped the thought. i used to believed i have already erased it in my mind. "no more dreaming....because it cant be real anymore!" that i used to tell to myself.

only the other night when i had this confusing feeling brought about by a movie i was watching. its actually a cheap thing but though it will put me in a bit of shame, yes... i got carried with the movie and made my eyes in tears even.

and then i realized, shit! the tears were all because of my long time hope. i dont know whether i should be happy or sad but really i am in wonder why the hell am i still affected? i know i have this ill feeling insdie me for obvious reasons, the promise was not fulfilled, yet, all along i thought, its ok now. i thought i am fine and honestly, i thought i will not think about it anymore. yet, i am wrong.

why?.... what bothers me most is the fact that,... i still have this grudge within me. and its killing me. i cant believe it but.... as if im missing him?.... me???? missing who????? i want to hate myself for feeling that way. is it not that i have long hated him? is it not that i have even cursed him? is it not that i have already treated him dead?????

is it really possible that we tend to do what we dont really feel? and what we really feel sometimes is in conflict with what we think? and we dont know it ourselves?

these questions linger... or should i say, bother me now.... because if it is in the affirmative,... well my god! im in deep shit! that would only mean, i still long for him!

and is it posible for me to long for someone who have brought my life into hell? a person who gave life but eventually mastermind my death? is it really possible for me to love a person who never loved me at all? or am i still in hope that he will eventually love me?...