methamorphosis

foolish me

2011-07-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

for years, i have tried my best to keep my eyes blind with the things that ought to be so vivid. i tried being frigid, unable to feel the pain despite the my heart being torn into pieces. i tried to understand and have everything into trash because i know, deep inside me, ill not consider it anyway. i thought i was in bliss, but i erred: i was in deep shit!

i was of the belief and was in great hopes that everything will be eventually fixed. i waited for sometime disregarding what others may say. i hoped and prayed. or even worst, i tried appealing, yet, still, the waiting was in vain. it never happened and truth is,... i ended up crying still. foolish me! for i allowed these things to happen? stupid, i, for i consented you to give me pain.

i know, i should be blamed myself, but what can i do, when during those times, i was blinded and knows nothing but to give what is best for the one i love? i did everything but it wasn't good enough. probably, it will never be and it will always be that way.

now, back to reality. have to pick up the pieces again. i don't know how, but i will try. besides, i have to think of myself too this time.

goodbye my love. goodbye!

the quiz

2010-02-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

had a quiz. just for fun. didnt know it'll be real.

impossible love....

He loves you for sure and you love him too but... you know this love is impossible. That it won't work out... Or that the chance for it to go on and work well is very small and you're afraid of it... Just be happy with what you have. And keep the good memories in your heart and mind.

the return

2010-02-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

its been a while. i have actually no idea why i did not blog for a while. well, the busy schedule can be a reason, although i know deep inside me, being busy is never a reason at all. lets just say, sometimes i tend not to think of things that make me in blue... or better yet, perhaps,... the act of not blogging will somehow... help me forget some things that more often than not make me cry. hmm.... maybe, i would not want to take all those things seriously during those times.... or maybe, i just want to try how is it to be in my silence even to myself. i cant actually explain. but one thing for sure, when i write, i tend to go into details. i tend to evaluate every curves of some thoughts and oftentimes, i end up being so sentimental. a sort of experimentation, lets just say,... i wanted not to be one, and so, i did forget blogging for a while. if i was able to achieve my goal...well,... perhaps ,... my being here again will explain everything.

and so im back!

in days to come, ill be again keeping in record my laughter,... smile ... melancholies and everything athat may afect my life. once again, ill be using this medium in expressing my views. the burden somehow will be liter... thru this section.

irony of love

2009-02-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

in our life, there are things that seemingly are unacceptable traits of human. characters which if taken per se fall within the purview of negatives yet little did we know, these traits sometimes also brings some good feelings to others.

my friend once told me that his girld friend is kinda "corny." why? well, according to him, she keeps on telling him that she loves him so much to the point that its getting too much and is already annoying. is it really "corny"? i say,... its sweet.

here's this another guy too who keeps on telling me that he is madly in love to someone but keeps on saying that its ok for his partner to have an entertain admirers and to settle with someone she truly loves just in case. as if he's pushing the one he loves to get into some oher relationships. and he calls it love????? i say....its stupidity!

reasons they all have and sad to say, all of them justify their actuations by reasoning out that its all because of love!

is it really love?????

stupidity of love

2009-01-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

when we loved truly, we tend to hang on;
even if its no longer proper;
even if its far away from reality;
even if its no longer practical;
or even if its already painful.

we tend to be hopeful things will chance;
things will be different;
sadness to be joyful;
foolish things to be sincere;
or bitter moments to be sweet.

yet there stands to be a barrier of all the wants;
of all the fervent hopes;
of all the blissful dreams;
of all the laid goals;
and everything turns out to be wishful thinking.

i once promised not to love again,
i broke it and fell in love once more.
i loved truly, sincerely and patiently,
i hoped, dreamed for romance with the love i am giving,
the price: tears!

i gave my trust to a stranger,
i loved him unconditionally,
i almost forgot myself,
yet the heavens are good enough,
i lost you!

lossing you indeed was painful
but coming into my senses is magnificent;
i loved and been hurt,
what a sad experience??????
NO! SINCERE LOVERS DESERVE TRUE LOVE!,
in like manner,
TRUE LOVE IS NEVER MEANT FOR STUPID LOVER!

gone, you are... thanks god!

so i thought

2008-12-27T10:52:00.000-08:00

i thought i have gone over it.
i thought i have finally risen from the mud of pain.
i thought it'll not be hurting anymore.
i thought im already okay.
i was wrong,....so wrong!

i thought ill be happy.
i thought it would happen again.
i thought ill be swred this time.
i thought ill not get affected.
i was wrong,... so wrong!

when will i ever learn?
when will i ever stop?
when will it ever come?
when will it ever be different?
when will i not be worng again???.....

even if im alone

2008-12-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

i have always dream of a time that i could finally spend sometime for myself and relax. i have been working the entire time and have been killing the clock just to leave everything unnoticed. i used to have a lot of excuses. too many work to be done,places to go, meetings to attend and people to serve. sigh.... its been almost like.... three years (?) and i havent really have that time for myself. now,.. finally! its here! yehey!

i dont know this place... tis is actually my first time to be here. i just saw it in the internet and indeed, its haven! i will never really reget coming here even if im alone.

im in front of my laptop, punching the keys trying to express the feeling of being here...alone but i must say... contented. impossible as it may seem but, yes, im into bliss because finally i made it! i know any reader of my blog would be in wonder what am i trying to drive at. some may even tagged me as am crazy yet,.. i really dont care. one thing for sure,.... its nice to know that finally, i could say, i have give n something for myself.... and not just for anybody else. im so happy at this point of my life because finally (again) i have managed to consider myself this time.

yes, for so long.... i thought i would never have the chance to offer anything for ME. all for the people around me... people i love,.. family, friends.. love ones.... all for them... nothing for me. sigh.... i used to asked,.. when can i finally give for myself? its been a long waiting.... and i just cant explain the feeling of finishing a castle that has been long planned in the sky. ....

i could hear the waves in the sea shore this time of he night... and its music to my ears... the place is calm and i just want to get the tranquil ambiance of this haven in my system. i really love it!

i will surely come back here.... soon.... sure, even if im alone.. i know i can be happy!

i can wait 4ever

2008-12-07T23:39:00.000-08:00

When you say, I miss the things you do,
I just wanna get back close again to you.
But for now, your voice is near enough,
How I miss you, when I miss you, love.
And though,
All the days that pass me by so slow
All the emptiness inside me flows, all around,
And there's no way out
I'm just thinkin' so much of you,
There was never any doubt...

I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too
I can wait forever, if you will, I know it's worth it all
To spend my life alone with you.

When it looked, as though my life was wrong,
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong
I'll be here, when hope is out of sight,
I just wish that I was next to you tonight, and oh
I'll be reachin' for you even though,
You'll be somewhere else, my love will go
Like a bird, on it's way back home
I could never let you go, and I just want you to know...

Where are you know?
Alone, with the thoughts we share
Keep them strong somehow,
And you know, I'll always be there...

I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too
I can wait, forever if you will, I know it's worth it all
To spend my life alone...
I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too,
I can wait, forever if you will, I can wait forever or more...
I can wait forever...

not love, just magic

2008-12-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

just last night i had the chance to see an friend whom i havent chatted for quite sometime. it was so nice to see her again and greatful to learned that she is already a doctor. never did i thought she has that kind of ambitions as during her younger years, she exemplifies a gal who hated activites which require some serious readings. honestly, i find her so cool because she could exactly concentrate her schooling despite of enjoying her life then being a teenager. i must admit, there was this scyntilla of envy within me then well, may be because i had a very "uniquely restrictive" life when i was young... unlike that of her. anyway, as i was saying, it was like ... hmnnn..... ten years???? since the last time we had a good chat. i see her around but both of us would just wave our hands and give exchanges of hellos. last nght was quite different because we were able to seat for a while and actually shared some views and stories after the long missing.

with us talking now, its totally different. we both were young then and now no more. we are now grown ups and have taken life the more serious way. and yes,... as we're both single still, settling down was an interesting topic to share over a cup of coffee and a stick of cigar.

i thought she's already married,.. wasn't sure and so, i have to throw her that qustion in a manner that will not will not make me kinda stupid. finally, i got the answer, and indeed she is still single. asked her the reason why? there i begun to be a student and learned a simple yet a meaty lesson in life.

according to her, at our age, we sould not be looking for someone to love, instead we should be looking just for magic. at first i didnt actually get it but after some more exchanges of thought, i realized, there's a logic in it.

just a simple line but it made me think. im posting it here with the hope that it will be a factor for anybody who can read it in chosing a partner in life.

"FIND A SOMEONE WHOM WHEN D LOVE IS GONE, THE FRIENDSHIP KEEPS YOU BONDED!

laughing with the tears

2008-10-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

you hurt me once,shame on you.

you hurt me twice, shame on me!

Your love did me wrong,

so i'm moving on.

True Love?

i used to believe it existed,

but when you had my heart torn out

and thrown on the floor,

i knew, you just dont care anymore.

i had a heart and it was true,

it fled from me and went to you.

i hoped you'd be kind to it as i have done,

for you have two and i have none.

try not to wonder about what might have been

cuz that was then and now different roads we're in

we cant go back again, there's no use giving in

and here no way to know, what might have been.

Love can tear you apart...it can kill you.

but if you're lucky, it can put you back together-----Wonder Years

i thought you'd be here forever.

another illusion i chose to create.

dont know what you've got until it's gone

and i found out just a little too late------Chicago

it hurts to see you walk away.

for admit it or not, you were an important part of my life

and the time we shared will forever be a in me.

so even though i realized

that it was never meant to be, still, it hurts.

your too near yet too far,

and too late to ever get back in my arms.

How could an angel break my heart?

Why didn't he catch my falling star?

i wish i didnt wish so hard.

maybe wished our love apart.-----Toni Braxton

someday you'll look and we'll be gone..

bu tomorrow may bring rain, so i'll follow the sun.---- U2

if you wanted the world to be a happier place,

you should have lift the tears off in my face.

and if you wanted the world to keep spinning around,

you'd pick the pices of my heart up off the ground.

you have been the treasure in my hand.

you have been the one whom i thought, beside me, will always

so unaware, i foolishly believed that you would

but then came the day, when i turned my head and you slipped away.

you wondered how you'd make it through.

i wondered what was wrong with you.

beacuse how could you give your love to someone else,

and share your dearms with me?

sometimes the only thing you're looking for,

is the one you can't see-------- Vanessa Williams

ask me how many times my heart has been broken

and i will tell you to look in the sky and count the starts.

i've seen fire and i've seen rain.

i've seen sunny days that i thought would never end.

i've seen lonely times when i could not find a friend,

but i always though that i'd see you again.--------James Taylor

if you lost your love for me, you never let it show.

you said you didnt need me in your life.

i guess you were right.

didn't we almost have it all?

loving is so short and forgetting is too long.

oh, i shouldn't care or wonder where and how are you at all

but i cant hide this hurt inside my broken heart.

im fighting back emotions that i've never fought before,

cuz u'm not supposed to love you anymore.

i cant cry hard enough for you to hear me.

the tears i wish to wipe away, will run unchecked for another day.

alas, that is the price i pay.------Mike Archer

no, i cant erase the wrong i've done

but i hope you can give US another chance.

because if you were me, you would want the same

and i'd give that chance to you.

you love to hate the one who loves

and theone you hate to love.

even if my heart should call out your name in the rain,

these arms will never embrace you ever again.

and even if i'll all cried out and no longer in pain...

i know, i'll never fall this way again.

someone can walk into your life

and not until after they walk out that you realize..

there were even there.

that is why...

once upon a time i was falling in love,

but now i'm only falling apart.

there's nothing i can do-----"Total eclipse of the Heart!"

*is it nice to know that there is this other way of nursing a blow?

welcome myself

2008-10-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

there is this point in our lives that sometimes how we wish, it didnt arrive. a point when after all the laughter and promises made, we'll realize that things wont be the same again. we fiil that we've been fed up and after all the patience we have given, we suddenly decide to let go and utter the word "goodbye."

its a painful term to hear right? but i tell you, much painful to say. many of us dont actually know how should it begun or how will it ever cross our minds but one thing for sure, once we decide to do it,..its done!

its a matter of choice... we'll hurt the listener and hurt ourselves? or we'll hurt nobody and still hurt ourselves?

there goes the decision. as for me,... i just made mine. i dont know whether itll be right but for sure,.. i still have myself to start anew . may not be today , tomorrow not even but in days to come. i may have said goodbye but i have regained myslef back.

the decision is never bad at all!

what do we meant to each other

2008-10-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

I'd rather know if you had turned the page
If you go faster than I do
Suddenly it's not so clear just what I am to you
Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other
When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

I can see clearly how im hurting you
Every breath gives you a way
All we go on separate roads has gone in the way.
Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other
When you hold me, when you hold me baby I can tell

Time became a poison looking slowly on my home
Screwing all the memories, Is it tearing us apart
When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

mean truth

2008-10-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes it takes a lot of guts to tell the truth specially when you are aware that somehow the words that will come out from your mouth will definately hit someone. it more reason if that someone would be a person dear to you. but just the same, if you know that telling the truth will nevertheless help him realize how irrational he had been, then setting the truth though it'll hurt will be the only tool to put things in proper prespective.

i may have hurt you when i said of youre being too insensible,... irresponsible and too numbed of the present situation but i tell you,... this is my only way saving things between us. and to me, thats what matters most. ponder every lines ive said and know what was wrong within you. its not enough that you just listen, for the better way to do it would be to understand every word said and above all to do something not to straingthened anything that seemed to be curved.

i have given you my mean lines. if it may have thrust you within,... then treat it as a beneficial cut. it may cause scar but surely, itll give you a lift once in a while that once in youre life, you've erred yet you were able to correct it. besides, even out being an evil is also a part of history.

doubts in my mind

2008-09-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

i wanted to say these things to you in person but i simply cant find the right words to form a good sentence for me to convey my thoughts as crystal as i would want it to be. i wanted to tell you to listen carefully for you to understand my point but i was afraid, you'll refuse to lend your ears because you might just misunderstood everything just by the first word that i'll utter. and i am just too afraid to argue with you when i know that i cant defend myself up to the end because i would not want to hurt you by my frankness. sure, i can do it to anybody else, but not to you.

ive tried to think it over a million times, whether its proper for me to say these.... a side of my mind would say, i have to be honst with you and so, i have to... yet, i cant deny the fact that, another side of me whispers that i'll just hurt you and everything will result to chaos. so, where will i go?

im taking the risk to tell it to you now, thru this. blogging anyway as a good friend of mine used to tell me shoul reflect my being me. indeed! that should be the case. and so far, .. i could honestly say, everything that have been written in this page, speaks of truth and sincerity. no fallacies. and above all,.. not made just to create a different me inside the mind of whoever will read it.

going back, i would want to ask.....

"did you ever consider me as part of your life? and will you ever consider me ahead over those people around you now? will you ever provide for me the way you provide them? will you hand me what you have when the right time comes? will you also cry when im gone the way i see you cry now? will you ever take care of me when ill be sick? and above all, will you know me still when im no longer the person you know now, just the ordinary ME with nothing to own? "

im not judging you. the reason why. i didnt have the guts to ask. im afraid you might get me wrong. worse, im too afraid of your answers.

denial; blindness and being numbed

2008-09-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

there are times that we feel it’s too much and we can't take it any longer. times, that we tend to be fed up of the things that for quite sometime we thought were but ok. but we’re actually not. — we become in denial.

we used to say, we can handle it,... we can bear with it because it’s no big deal or maybe that we don’t want to take it seriously. its either, we're preoccupied of things and digging into it will just be a waste of time or might be that we know from the very start that the thing will just kill us with pain the reason why we leave it unnoticed. we refuse to see it , in other words because we just can’t afford to hurt ourselves with the things that we can’t change.------ we become blind.

be that as it may, we continue to live with these things every single day of our lives and actually try to inculcate into our minds that there's nothing wrong. sometimes, we even look for matters that will convince us that what is going on is actually right, trying to justify the gaffe because its a reality and we just cant escape from it. our blindness thereafter is mixed with deadened feelings with the hope that we will never wake up one day grasping the actual situation.------ we become numbed.

there are just these things we know to be not good for us from the very start but we, despite of our intelligence choose to do it still. I wonder why does man, being the highest form of creature could manage and allow some things to be done knowing fully well that it will be of his disadvantage? I wonder too, why does man tend to be so patient of ignoring the painful reality and oftentimes chooses to live with fallacy though it will kill them in the end?

I don’t know why am i asking these things. Might be that i’m just in wonder or probably wanted some stirring.

what is certain of me now though is... i don't want the feeling of being unwanted. nobody will ever be. i tell you, if you we're really sincere with your pleases of me to stay... perhaps, my questions need not be answered anymore. Prove to me that the wondering within me is nothing but s myth snf thst reality tells otherwise.

false hopes (?)

2008-09-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

i once hope... dream.....and held into a promise that i know would make me feel complete. time passed and until now, the same remained to be unfulfilled. when i finally came into proper discernemnt i have already dropped the thought. i used to believed i have already erased it in my mind. "no more dreaming....because it cant be real anymore!" that i used to tell to myself.

only the other night when i had this confusing feeling brought about by a movie i was watching. its actually a cheap thing but though it will put me in a bit of shame, yes... i got carried with the movie and made my eyes in tears even.

and then i realized, shit! the tears were all because of my long time hope. i dont know whether i should be happy or sad but really i am in wonder why the hell am i still affected? i know i have this ill feeling insdie me for obvious reasons, the promise was not fulfilled, yet, all along i thought, its ok now. i thought i am fine and honestly, i thought i will not think about it anymore. yet, i am wrong.

why?.... what bothers me most is the fact that,... i still have this grudge within me. and its killing me. i cant believe it but.... as if im missing him?.... me???? missing who????? i want to hate myself for feeling that way. is it not that i have long hated him? is it not that i have even cursed him? is it not that i have already treated him dead?????

is it really possible that we tend to do what we dont really feel? and what we really feel sometimes is in conflict with what we think? and we dont know it ourselves?

these questions linger... or should i say, bother me now.... because if it is in the affirmative,... well my god! im in deep shit! that would only mean, i still long for him!

and is it posible for me to long for someone who have brought my life into hell? a person who gave life but eventually mastermind my death? is it really possible for me to love a person who never loved me at all? or am i still in hope that he will eventually love me?...

unwanted call

2008-07-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

"hate me 4 who i am n 4 what ive done. thanks..." recieved july 19,2008 @ 7:42 pm

giving: two sides of the coin

2008-07-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

sometimes there are things that we just cant explain. things that we want to say but we just cant fnd the right words to use in expressing the same. often times too, we chose to be silent to avoid arguements and for us not to hurt some people we love. we tend to be good in the eyes of our loves ones because we wanted to please them. all for the ultimate aim.... to make them happy.

my "inainahan" once described me to a giver. well, i really dont know. and i really cant tell. perhaps she sees me that way. according to her too, i have been used to give so much attention to the people i love to the point of forgetting about myself. hmnnn.... really? im not aware. all i know is that i want them to feel how much they mean to me and that ill do everything for them.

unfortunately, not all of them see it that way. i dont even know whether they appreciate it. one even told me that he's having a hard time dealing with me..... like he cant breath anymore.

i wanted to say "i beg to disagree"....

i wanted to say, "youre wrong".... ...

that "please understand me".......

and wanted to asked, "why are you too insensitive of what i feel?"..... "where did i go wrong?" ......

and "why are you hurting me ?"........

but i decided to just leave it as it is. i opt to be in my silence and just cure the cut the statement caused within me. in short, i didnt mind the pain.... i just kept on and with all honesty, tried my best to do what he wanted despite the tears....

my "inainahan" adviced me to let go of the baggages.... i am trying my best... if only she knew..... i am... with all might..... i am ..... but you see,... things really just dont happened the way we want them to be. and i cant do anything about it.

i am hoping thought that the heavens will help me in my long journey of life. i have been alone.... still alone and might be that will perpetually be alone but i will learn to accept it for me to start enjoying my own life.

i have lerned one thing for today.... loving should not mean placing things the way we want them to be.... it is accepting the person we love..... all sides of him.

i hoped,..... i will also be acepted that way.

wonderin'

2008-07-16T23:54:00.000-07:00

i have always wanted to post this blog for like a month now. i kept on holding it in my mind because i would not want to think that i am really is that morbid. i honestly believe that what i have in me during those times is a feeling that somehow makes me smile. problem is, i cant find the answers within me why and what is that smile for. could it be that im happy? of could it be that im sad?

well, perhaps a reader like you would want to help me find out. i know i am no perfect and at times really have some doubts as to the feelings i have inside. if you were in my shoes, how would you feel if news would reached you to the effect that the person who used to hate is already..... dead (?)

i wanted to say,... well good for him.. he deserves it. but i know its never proper. i wanted too to think and utter that may he rest in peace but i know he'll not because of the evil things he did to me.

i dont know. wonderin' really i am. a part of me says, i should forgive but a question tells me otherwise. how would you forgive someone who never dare asked for forgiveness? worse, will you ever foregive someone who would say that he never did err? how will you reconcile forgiveness withouth repentance?

you tell me.... perhaps you know better than i do......

res ipsa luquitor

2008-07-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

"at the end of the day, there are some things we cant just help but talk about. some things we dont want to hear and some things we say because we cant be silent any longer. some things are more tthan what you say, they're what you do. some things are said because there's no others choice. and no too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."

deeply hurting

2008-07-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

a name perhaps is one (if not the most) of the basic identification that a person can have. we know each other thru our respective names and oftentimes, we even have our quick judgments of how do we actually and really know someone just by hearing his or her name. save in cases of course if the person is stranger to us, yet reality sometimes would even say that, its the other way around; the reason why we have the so called thing, "first impression."

everytime someone would call us with our names, we are being alarmed because we know that somebody else is referring to us. that's basic reaction. someone calls for your name, you outrightly answer.

name comes into many forms. pen name, nickname, endearment callings, among others. all of which however just mean one and the same thing--- it is how we call someone as we identify them to be as such.

our names indeed is something that we own. one thing we can safely say that it is ours and preciously taken care of because it speaks of us. some even go to the point of suing another for bresmiching their names or for casting some dishonor.

what is my point of having all of these things? what is has to do with the thing inside me now? has somebody cast dishonor in my name? or has there someone else took my name that i should be concerned of?

actually none. good enough, i have unique name and nobody so far has ever claimed that we have the same name. i cannot please everybody and so, i cant help if somebody else out there has been casting some dishonor with my name. i really dont mind though because, i know to myself, i am doing no wrong to anybody else.

whats my point then?

simple. its not just too easy to hear someone else calling you by the name of another when youre in front of him in flesh. its too painful for one to hear somebody else name when you know for a fact that it was you he is actually referring. many may laugh of me for having such feeling but with all honesty, i was indeed hurt when i was called by a name not mine as i do my best to make a person so dear to make him happy. it was me doing the thing but he was actually calling for somebody else.

i dont know the reason behind but there are only two things possible....

first, he was thinking of that person;
second, he sees and believed me to be the other person because he always wanted that person to do the thing i was doing.

whatever it is,..... one thing is for sure,...... it torn my heart into pieces.

what have i done that you have never seen me to be me? what was wring that you have never thought of me everytime we're together? where did i go wrong? what else should i do for you to finally see that its me and not anybody else anymore?

i was hurt. so hurt and yes,..... i took it seriously.

running out of words

2008-07-04T02:02:00.000-07:00

how can i ever tell you the things i wanted to say?...
how will i start to utter words...
how will i use the letters of the alphabet...
when it seems not enough to describe what's here inside me?
i dont know....
im confused....
im afraid.....
worried....
but hopeful you will understand.
no words could ever be used to described it...
all i know, bliss is not even enough.

moving the impossible

2008-06-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

i have friends way back college days who fell in love with each other despite of the fact that they have already their respective families. at first, i really cant understand how were they able to manage the relationship but as time passed by, i found out that, theirs actually is something that is founded with love... and it is not just an ordinary love mind you, but a selfless love, i must say.

many of our classmates used to criticize the affair. i was even tagged as their conspirator,... i didnt mind because they were not just friends to me, they were my family and given the chance to choose the friends i wanted to be with, they would probably in my list.

i was not really aware how did their relationship started. all i knew is the fact that they had initial problems with their respective partner. they separated and then, they fell in love with each other. some say they are immoral. at the second thought though, i say that they are just being themselves and there is nothing wrong with that. perhaps, the immorality issue came because, they were both married but not many people knew, the marital bond is already useless and actually has been broken when they finally admitted that they have to have the aminity attached with romance. well, at least that is my belief and that is what i know. if it turned out to be the other way around, i have my own pieces of evidence to defend my point still. in short, to me, they were not doing anything wrong. people asked me but i would always answer, its their lives and i have no right to question how would they want to run it. and its true..... my conviction when it comes to that thing stand still until this very moment.

what is amazing the way i see things before is the fact that, both of them has their own kids and one would help the other solve problems when it comes to parenting. honestly, i admire them for being such good parents to their kids. despite the fact that they were basically single parents, i was a living witness of how do they sacrificed just to give their kids' welfare..... that includes staying away from each other and setting aside their feelings with the belief that, their time has not yet arrived. and that their children might not yet accept the fact that they would want to built a family together. high hopes, they have though, for that right time to come.

i always asked before whether it would be possible for each of them to love and treat the children of another to be their own flesh? they would always answer me, nothing is impossible with love. kinda funny. i didnt even mind at all but i just cant help but to think of it now. well,..... perhaps there is truth in what they say... i dont know but it seems to be true.

just this afternoon i had the opportunity to meet a kid dear to the man i love. barrowing his lines, "he is my life, my only wealth" and indeed, as i witnessed, the statement was right. yeah, the kid was the son . i dont know what went to my mind that i opened up the idea of spending the afternoon with them. of course i knew about the fact and probably i wanted to test myself what would i feel when i am finally in front of that reality.

at first, it was kinda awkward situation. i noticed they get along well and i felt that somehow, i dont have any space in the picture. i dont know how will i feel. i know i dont have any right to compete with the attention.... besides, it was me who suggested the idea, i cant blame him, right? i thought it'll be alright... little did i know,.... and i must admit it, i knew to myself there is this sort of jealousy in my heart.

as i see them walk together, held each others hands and left me behind due to excitement, i felt that they're happy with each others company. they were a picture of a perfect bliss and at some point i felt that they dont even need me to be with them. i tried to composed myself so that i would not spoil their being together. i tried to cover the hurt inside and did my best to coup up with the situation.until finally, were all enjoying. i enjoyed being with them, thats one thing for sure. i felt that i had a family of my own. i had a lot of confusing feelings though.

at the end of the day, i just cant help but to recall how was i able to handle the situation. i tried to review the confusing feelings i had when were together. sad to say, it was jealousy still. sigh,... i envy the kid not because he got more attention more than i had, but i was jealous of the fact that i never did experienced such kind.

and then i the ultimate question puffed up, can i accept it? am i ready for it? you know what, only now that i realized the answer i used to get from my friends when i had the chance to asked them the same question. indeed, they were right when they said, love can move mountains. it has just moved mine.

dont break my heart slow

2008-06-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

I like the way you wanted me,
Every night for so long baby,
And I like the way you needed me,
Every time things got rocky.

I was believing in you,
Was I mistaken, do you say...
do you say what you mean,
I want our love to last forever.

But I'd rather you be mean,
Then love and lie,
I'd rather hear the truth,
And have to say goodbye,
I'd rather take a blow,
At least then I would know,
But baby, don't you break my heart slow.

I like the way you'd hold me,
Every night, for so long baby,
I like the way you'd say my name,
In the middle of the night,
While you are sleeping.

Well I'd rather you be mean,
Then love and lie,
I'd rather hear the truth,
And have to say goodbye,
I'd rather take a blow,
At least then I would know,
But baby, don't you break my heart slow.

You'd run around,
And lead me on forever,
While I'd wait at home,
Still thinking we're together,
I wanted our love to last forever.

S-1905

2008-06-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

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wtf!!!!

completing the incomplete

2008-06-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

it is indeed a rare occassion for me to have dinner with all family members around. well, i never had that setting to be frank about it. separation came during my early childhood years and since then, i was never been blessed to have my meals again with a setting of a dining table with complete utensils, food and beverages alike and of course a family to share such.

i dont know whether i'll call it a tragedy (?) or blessing (?) of having an incomplete life. at one point, it is a tragedy because it brought me a well of pains. i shed a river of tears and had a overflowing falls of sadness. traumatic indeed. a state of mind that i have 27 years now. and it just keeps on coming back no matter how i tried of forgetting.

on the other hand, it is a blessing because with those many wounded feelings and anxieties, i have developed the sthrength within me and ultimately emerged like the bamboo found in the backyard of our house. so strong that i cant even feel the pain anymore. or better yet, i dont even noticed how some people may have hurt me already.

i have been able to be me now with all those experiences. they say that i am already somebody, well,... perhaps that may be true.... because of the appellation that is written before the name probably.... they may be right at some point. that is, as to them.....

when moments like this come, i cant help but to go back on the day that i begun to see the beauty of the earth. when i was still delicately carried by the people who allowed me to breath. a time when no words were not yet in my tongue and the time when all i have to do is to close my eyes as i wait for the next drop of milk in my lips. the world was so quiet then. so peaceful.....

yet,... the clock never stopped from rotating. and little did i knew, my life will be as it is now.

many may ask, am i not contented with what have happened to my life? with all the achievements? with the money? with the prestige? with the things i have?

lemme answer it this way,....

if given the chance to choose (and if only it would be possible), i want to be trapped in my childhood and have my meals in our dining table with complete settings.

unfortunately, i am but human. i cant dictate what the law of nature will bring and for that matter my only recourse is to live with the world that is given to me now.... to enjoy and be contented with the things that i have been receiving, share the blessing to others and above all learn from the lessons that past has given.

the dinner i just had, 3rd day of june, might not have the complete characters i always wanted but a rare opportunity to have at least a taste of becoming semi-complete.

be that as it may, hope, i still hold that someday, the incomplete me (then and now) will eventually have the completeness i always dreamed of .

afraid for love to fade

2008-06-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

My head's in a jam
Can't take you off my mind
From the time we met
I've been beset by thoughts of you

And the more that I ignore this feeling
The more I find myself believing
That I just have to see you again

I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
But I know that I am much too shy
To let you know

Afraid that I might say the wrong words
And displease you
Afraid for love to fade
Before it can come true

Like a child again
I'm at a loss for words
How does one define
A crush combined with longing?

Longing to possess you oh so dearly
I'm obsessed by you completely
I'll go mad if I can't have you

I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
But I know that I am much too shy
To let you know

Afraid that I might say the wrong words
And displease you
Afraid for love to fade
Before it can come true

I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
Let me say the things and say the words
To let you know

I would rather say the awkward words
Than lose you
Or for love to fade
Before it can come true

hating myself for love

2008-05-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

why is it that its hard to get mad at times? like, you know to yourself that you want to hate someone but you simply cant get the feeling of hatred? i wonder if its kinda psychological illness, but indeed, its never easy hating someone you love, isn't it?

just this time, i am exactly in a parallel situation with that of my query. damn! i want to shout for anger and sure, im in a hot mood yet cant get that spirit of cursing some insensible creature on earth. im raging but simply dont know why cant i be that way to a person who provoked of that feeling within me.

i hate it! i really hate it!

why cant i hate you? why cant i curse you like anybody else?

grrrrr.......

i hate myself for not hating you!!!!!!!!!!!!

broken promise

2008-05-25T08:34:00.001-07:00

its never easily expecting for promises to happen. of course, we hate to have false hopes but sometimes, whether we like it or not, it really happen and its really a pain in the ass. you can just imagine being promised to have this and that by somebody whom you thought to be so true, yet at the winked of an eye, everything has changed (?). well, promises are made to be broken, so they say, but i always believe that that would depends to the person making the same.

i once thought that when a person makes a promise to sombody loved by him, said promise will be, as much as possible be realized. understandably ... its not all the time that when you promise something, that will eventually happen because this world indeed revolves in the term called "change". the weather for one can be a great factor of not fulfilling a promise and we cannot just hate people who cant make it due to bad weather right? that would be unfair. unavoidable circumstances indeed could be a good excuse and it is indeed one of the best escuses we could utilize for promises broken.

the consuelo would probably be to show that there were efforts exerted to have it done yet, nature has prevented it to happen. very valid ? indeed!

it is another story though when someone promises you to do something yet for some personal gratification , that promise cannot be fulfilled. reasons would be because he just would not want to do it? he doesnt mind about you? i dont know. whatever!

priorty of things come into play and sacrificial lambs become the set up of the story. dropping less important and choosing things which will be beneficial to you. that is very human nature. personally, i bite that idea because to think of one's self before anybody else is the basic instinct of man. yet caution must be done...

realistic as it may, the question is, is it proper? it is right to SOLELY cancell a promise at the winked of an eye knowing fuly well that someone is expecting it to happen? aside from the fact that you gave your assurance? is it right to SOLELY withdraw a promise made knowing fully well that somebody, whom you claimed to be dear to you, will be hurt? that it will be a mean thing to the other party? aggravated by the fact that you have been a recidivist in doing broken promises?

i say.... no.....

the words of a person to me, are my bases of knowing him. probably because, to me, my words speak of the honor i have. and honor to me is very imperative. when i say something, even if it will be too hard to attain, i see to it that ill do my best to have it realized. and if ever, despite of giving my best, still it cant be done, at least i have shown that i have tried and given my efforts to have it done. in the end though, i still hate myself for having a promise broken.

learn... learn.... and learn from your mistakes for uttering sorry is not always enough. the spirit of repentance is not the confession but the promise within yourself that repeat, you shall not commit.

i give not my forgiveness, rather understanding to a person who holds my heart.

being committed

2008-05-14T01:19:00.000-07:00

i have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. but i have known many who fear of commitment. something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. commitment seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

i must admit though that at some point, i too have some fear of entering into a relationship which somehow will lead to marriage. perhaps because i saw my parents separating too soon during my childhood and this reality immobilized me for so long. i did not want to repeat history and so i have forget about being committed. quite honestly, my principle whenever i enter into relationship then was just to enjoy... enjoy and enjoy the moment. i did not want to make a mistake in short.

as days passed, i saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. then i watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. the fear in me ascends as before becuase of these cirscumstances.

wondering however came into me as i looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. i imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. and yet, on rare occasions, i would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.they seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. it was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. how, i asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? what keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? i asked,... i cant be like them?

finally i met a man who, for reasons unknown to me had introduced a million changes in my life. he never asked for me to do it but i was so amazed by myself why the hell on earth am i doing these things? i know myself better than anybody else and i'm sure, i would not let a man control me. yet, i found myself to be doing exactly the other way around. then i realized, and i must admit,.... i have already committed myself.

i started to ask myself, what made me decide to commit myself to this man?

the central secret seems to be is, i have chosen him irrespective of whether i did it well. i took the risk.

there is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. it is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. this, i agree.

oftentimes, sexual hunger draws us to each other and colors the way we see yourselves together. it blinds us to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. yet, we need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.this perhaps may work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. but they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

the truly lucky partners i may say are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. they get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. they see each other at their worst and at their best. they share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. this is the ideal, but not often possible.

the length of togetherness sometimes is never an assurance of a lasting relationship. the time given in knowing each other even is never sufficient; worst, even love alone is aint enough. there aught to be commitmentin the relationship. thus, if we fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, we need to look beyond because this alone, can mean danger.

these, i acutally did. over come my fears, took the risk of being hurt, let the love within me to flow, and have committed to hold on into a relationship that has given my life of some direction. now, im in bliss, indeed and hopefull i am that it'll be forever.

true enough, i have had some dark history brought about by nature but i wanted to be happy hence, i bid those fears goodbye, instead treated it as lessons learned useful in shaping my tomorrow.

this i want to share to my man: liberate yourself form those fears....and never let yesterday haunt you forever. errs are but normal, happiness depends on us. love not just because youre attracted , above all, love when you feel that you can commit yourself.

who am i?

2008-04-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

i spent so many hours infront of my computer the other night trying to surf for a song i once heard while driving to the place of my erwin. good thing, i have a witty staff zammae who were able to look for it even if i had only few lines to share of the song.

title is....who am i?

i took it upon myself to listen to the song for so many times because i was quite interested of what was the true message behind the nice melody. after sometime, i have finally concluded, the song indeed was good and yeah.... its true.

"Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again

Who am I?
That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me. "

we often ask why do we have to face burdens in life? we get hurt...
point fingers.... and end up blaming Somebody.

man has always had the attitude of throwing a lot of questions to the heaves for the things that they themselves have something to to do with it. man commits mistake in coming up a decision... get hurt and blame Him of the sufferring brought about by the err. but despite the blames and questions, He remained to be there for us.

He is very powerful and has all the right to take everything from should He wish but alas.... He never did because He loves us so. He has given us yoke in life for He knew so well that we are strong beyond compare. He gives us blessings despite of the curses He recieves everytime we tend to be rebellious. He lifts us up everytime we fall in the ground.... He always say that He loves us....

i once said, life is too cruel, that, i must confess. but after all the things that have happened to my life... of being hurt,.... of being sad..... of experiencing the hardships that life could bring, i have realized that life still is beautiful. indeed, the more cuts i received, the more blessings He has given.

now, is it not that too shameful of us that despite the negatives man has given Him, He has not never foresaken us? we're just humans and i would like to throw the same question i asked to myself just recently which is actually the title of the song i am referring to....... who am i?

the song is just a song indeed but if we will try to dig in deeper of its meaning,.... its actually an eye opener for those who see the world to be a place of sufferring. ask yourself of the question i had to myself.... who am i?

understanding love and anger

2008-04-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

few weeks ago, i had the chance to watch over the television of a debate contest between schools with really witty studes. i initially stopped scanning the TV because i wanted to witness how will the young men and women argue their respective sides of the coin. however, i got strucked with the topic they are to debate--- blogging is harmful!

the winning team argued well when it said that it is a medium of expressing one's thoughts as an exercise of the guaranteed freedom of expression under the constitution, which i absolutely agree.

im a blogger and an advocate of freedom. i say what i want and as such, i just cant help but to use this blogsite of mine to articulate the things i have in mind at the moment. besides, this is one way of expressing things which sometimes are better left unsaid in order to avoid a chaoic environment specially with the people we love. yet, i believed still that these things should not be suppressed...for it may eventually lead to self destruction. truth will set one free, indeed. but oftentimes truth hurts. i am taking this chance to divulge whats inside me, without hurting the person to whom this blog may be dedicated.

i really wanted to say all of these things to a person but i chose not to and instead blog it here for so many reasons..... one of which is to avoid any misunderstanding as im have always been misunderstood.

to you (who may not even read this, yet, hopeful am i that you will) i say.....

i find you to be unfair!

wanted to be loved yet dont know how to love others.

afraid of being hurt

but dare to hurt the people who loves you.

understanding i always give

yet doesnt mean itll be perpetual.

i hold on and hold on still

hoping one day, realize, you will, of me being here.

please see what is happenning for today

and not of what the yesterday has done.

please feel the colors of the trees so green

and not of the darkness of the night.

mistakes you did commit

you learned, indeed;

afraid though you should not be

because every sunrise brings new beginnings.

believe, and the world conspire for it to be realize;

be brave, the world is round and you cant change history;

you have fallen, stand up and bounce back;

you feel love, let flow without hesitations.

im glad, blogging really came into existence.

living with life

2008-03-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

i have a dear friend whom i thought was a strong person but little did i know that he have so many fears in life. he blame it all to his past and see everything and everyone in a uniform manner. its unfair because, even twins have differences. but because he has yet to reach the point of being mature, aside from the fact that i would want him to realize things the right way; understanding is all i can give. an ear is all i an offer. although sometimes, i feel that he has been too unfair and quite honestly, have caused some cuts in my heart, i would say, he is a friend still. i am hurting but i have to let go.

i am hoping that someday he will eventually read this blog for i want him to ponder the words i wanted to say which he refused to listen when he finally decided to be alone. i hope, somehow, it'll help him......

life is full of surprises. things happen in an unepected time and inthe least expected place. some go and some say hello. you'll never know why and how somethings will make you smile and cry. one thing for sure though, in every little thing that comes along, life still is life and we have to live with it.

its funny that that sometimes, we tend to forget or might not even notice the little things around us. things which are too simple yet eventually will make us smile. people who have been there for so long yet we tend to ignore for they have been silent or we chose not to noticed them at all.

reasons, all of us have. we have failed to see the goodness of some people around us because we were too busy looking for goodness of others who turned out to be no good at all. people who just caused us pain and people who never appraciate the things we have been offering. people who will call us when they need us but will see us as decors after everything done. to me, they are the best illustrations of parasites, right?

some people are really born to hurt others and some are meant to sacrifice. i wonder however, why do we have to love people who hurt us still? and why do we keep on hoping that someday, somehow, they will see the things we are doing for them? dont we get tired? we are but humans right?

and i go back to my initial premise... life still is life and we have to live with it. besides, getting hurt doesnt always mean we are failures... for when we over come those pains... we stand up from the fall and face the world with some lessons learned. the harder we fall, the higher we will bounce back.

life indeed is never that easy but its a matter of perspective.

my friend, my being away doesnt mean you are forgotten. i may be in my silence now but in my heart, you are always remembered ..... and will always be loved.

it must be love

2008-02-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

the day was quite windy and i have to indulge myself into work for me to get away from the feeling of being alone after you left. i must admit, days begun so long since you've been gone and i dont know why? had stick in my head though that i should not get affected at all for it might just ruin my life...that i will not allow.

was deeply worrying how will i gonna make myself busy when all of a sudden, i recieved a message coming from you. initially, i didnt mind...not because i didnt care but because somehow i would like to test myself whether i can stand not answering you. another message.. then..a ring. god! i just cant ignore not to answer your "hello.." suddenly, the many days of missing since you've been gone totally vanished. and i had that smile in my face once more which i could not even explain what muscle of my system might have just cause that sweet smile in my lips. indeed, for a while i thought i was in heaven again and needless to say, just by your voice, you have transformed my sadness into a jolly one.

then i wonder, what was with you that makes me happy? what was it that just by your voice alone, you make my day completely colorful? are you some kind of a magician? or youre just one hell of a part of my system that without you, it cannot entirely work? i wonder what was with you that i long so much?

i wanted to say youre a poison for you paralyse the entirety of me with you not being there...i wanted to say youre one hell of a demon who keeps on tempting and makes me eventually a sinner. you're not my man....not my dream... not my illusion... but totally captivated my heart. you're really are you. and no matter how much i deny it, the truth will always remain, though, it may be hurting...that you're already a part of me.

now im ready to confess....it must be love..... it is really love!

friends

2008-02-07T08:29:00.000-08:00

just when you knew, you have lost everything, some good things really happened still with a touch of joy which will lift your heart out from the dark shadows of yesterday. friends indeed are angels and heaven's present to us.

the day you said goodbye..

2008-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

"so, this is it, i have to go. thank you for everything..."

he held my hand, embraced me and then he went. god! its too painful and I could feel how that situation squeezed my heart. for a while, i felt that my world will collapse. i wanted to cry but i simply cant because i know, he would not want me to be in blue. until the last moment of our togetherness, i made it a point that i will follow the things he would want me to do. thats how much i love him....

i hope someday,i'll see him again. embrace him once more and togther we'll share the good moments we shared. he is not just a friend. more than a brother. better than a lover and will forever be a part of my life. perhaps, i may have been a fool to love him this much for i know, the many uncertainties along the way but i think of it no more now. what is important i guess is that, we tried to be ourselves... feel the love we both have and accept the fact that we cant live in hyprocracy the entire time.

i would want to say, we'll be together again but i would not want to expect. i know, everything comes with a purpose and i would want to believe that this day of saying goodbye is a matter of testing how far can we go. i know we can make it and we will surely will.

no goodbyes

2008-01-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

"goodbye" they say is never an easy thing. will i agree? or will i not?

i can just imagine the feeling i had the past months of my life. i could honestly say, never did i felt that kind of feeling before and to me its an experience that had turned my life into something that i consider--- HEAVEN. simply said, the happiness within me was unmeasurable, beyond compare and for a while i thought it would never end.

yet i was wrong for the happiness i used to have indeed have to end. its goodbye (?), and that single word will surely make a big difference in my life. turning the other side of the coin. you're leaving and ill be left here alone again. i dont know what to feel. but i know, there is this sad feeling inside me.

Im not sure whether the sadness will eventually erase the joy i had when you came into my life, but i hope, not. im hoping, it will not.

i know you will be gone and will no longer be within my vision. unreachable beyond my hands and quite impossible to be with me again. i remain uncertain too whether you will still feel the same as you are now or will eventually change as the leaves of the trees would fall yet im hoping, somehow, time will make it happen too that you will find the roads coming back into where i am for the heavens will dictate that it is where you meant to be.

i will bid no goodbye... i will not say im letting you go... i will never even think of the ending, for i know, my heart will remain happy, knowing you to be more happy in the world you opted to be. ill remain that way because i know too that there will be no goodbye for us, no letting go and will forever be unending.

indeed, goodbye may not be that easy but once we learned not to do it, it'll never hard at all.

i will miss you my dear one.... i will remain.... and you will forever be part of me.

goodbye but not for long

2008-01-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

you came along when nobody seemed to understand;
you showed me how it be to be happy;
despite the adversities of life
and felt the true meaning of happiness..
a feeling i thought i have alredy forgotten .

you came and everything changed;
the used to be lifeless world turned out to be colorful;
i can never forget the feeling of being in peace
and i dont know how will i ever repay you
for all the good things shared.

yet time sometimes runs so fast;
you came unexpectedly and now your leaving too soon;
time to say goodbye;
time to end everything;
time to to be sad angain (?)

i know the notion is wrong;
you might be leaving but we both know we'll be fine;
distance will never be a barrier at all
because we know, its the love we shared that will
eventually keep us together.

goodbye my love but its never over;
we may bid goodbye but never to see the ending;
hoping we'll do for a better tomorrow;
as time we hope will be friendly
to lead our roads again..

ill wave my hands but not my heart;
ill kiss you now but not goodbye;
ill let you go not because i want you go;
ill do these all because of love.

someday we'll see again;
may be for long may be for just a short time;
nothing is certain for now;
nothing is sure;
only our love.... only our love.

wake up!

2007-11-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

its never easy for someone to ask herself why cant she do what she thinks is right ? things, that the world dictates to be proper but still her heart disregard these universal calling. one can just imagine how hard it is for someone to fight for something she herself knew to be illicit but she cant just do something to make it right.

why? because there are things in this world that no matter how man tries to evade it, it simply comes in. persistently, intensely and before one knew it to be wrong, one has just totally entertained the same and it has already entered the one's system.

there you go again.... here you come again.... how many times will you ever err..... when will you ever learn..... wake up! wake up! wake up!

wants that are unwanted

2007-10-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

at this moment of my life i can say that im really tired.... i dont know whether its right for me to say this...its absurd, indeed but i cant fool myself.... i find it too hard for me to live life and i hate myself for being such a coward.

i have a lot of things is mind and would like to say it all but, i simply cant. i wanted to do a lot of things that i know will make me happy but, god! i just dont have the heart to do it mainly because, i have to consider the happiness of the people around me.

lately, i have been asking, when can i ever learn to love myself? stupid query! but its true. when can i ever learn to give and spare something for myself? when will i ever get tired of please all the people around me? when will i ever think of my own happiness? and when will i ever learn?

questiosn i want to answer.... things i want to do... but as i see myself right now... its just like, that time will never ever come...

rough man

2007-09-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

how will i describe you?

what will i say?

how will i tell?

what word will i use?

who will gonna listen?

why would they care?

will it be really matter?

how would you know?

matters not to nobody

listen even by no one

awareness that is important

simplicity now will follow.

just your being you

love in me resides

just being you

roughness in me subside

title, yes you are

words i cannot found

alphabet enough not even

just.....a MAN!

victims of principles

2007-09-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

i happened to hold a picture ,... of a lady. lying in a hard and cemented "bed", with eyes half openned and skin so fair.... as if no blood is running over her vessels anymore. yes, she's dead! and she was killed during a chance encounter.

i dont know whats with me but i felt some pain inside that i myself cant understand. it amazed me more when i observed tears rolling in my cheeks as i try to look at the face of the girl in the picture.she was young... younger than i am, im sure... with curly hair...full lips, ... teary eyed...a face full of dreams i guess, and a smile with a lot of hopes.

i dont know the girl personally but im sure, i can understand her. had i knew her before she finally reqched her "time" i could have tell her what to do and how to do it the right way. i dont blame her, and will forever not judged her of being wrong. she was right in her own and she made a good battle, thats the way she would like to be remembered, i know.

i symphatized not of her seemingly radical ideals but because of her passing. to me, she could have a better future. she could have finished her schooling and have a career of her own. she could have raise her own family and she could have had a better life.

whether or not she did the right thing, is not for me to say. im not in the position. perhaps, she is, perhaps not, but one thing for sure though is, she did what she thought was right---to fight for her principles!

she, to some made a heroic act, for she have to take up arms for liberty sake, a road of darkness just to have her voice be heard. to others, her act was improper for she have gone too far and beyond the bounds of the legal world. but to me, i would say ---- in either ways, she was the victim of the many sectors that make up our society, of all the forces that wanted their aims achieved without seeing the picture in a wide spectrum, and of all the figures who sees nothing but their own personal interest.

pitty are those who allow others influence their lives... those who refuse not the inpestation made by evil minds and those who seemingly are brave but are in reality coward for they do nothing but to obey superiors.

I SEE ALL OF YOU AS VICTIMS.....

temporary

2007-08-30T01:50:00.000-07:00

might be that youre a blessing...
might be that youre a gift...
might be that youre an angel...
might be that youre just but dream...

might be that i love you...
might be that i care...
might be that i need you...
might be that im just but dreamin'...

might be that were the same....
might be that we click...
might be that were compatible....
might be that its just an illusion....

we can never be sure of tomorrow
we just have to live for today
but we can build a castle for the future
yet expectation we mus not dare.....

to anticipate is preparation of frustation
frustration is the root of tears
tears means sorrow
and sorrow means frustration...

non permanence, that we should know
be it happy be it sad....
tomorrow may be just a dream.....
but, something, we can do to make it real....

might be that tomorrow may not come as dreamt
might be that the dream will be realize....
we dont exactly know
but we can be exactly happy for today!!!

bit of happiness

2007-08-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

there are things in life that sometimes many of us cant understand. questions that we tend to find for answers but oftentimes, the same remained to be a blank in the head.

was with same situation when i begun asking myself why is it too hard to find "happiness". its a question i know that its kinda stupid and for somebody like i do asking the same, its totally...like... duh!....

but, i must admit, i had really asked that question... not once, not twice but for many times already.honestly, until now, i still dont have the answers.

i have tried look for answer in my books.... but all it have offerred me were theories. did try to look to answers with people around me but all i got were nothing but lessons in life.

then i finally decided to stop from asking.

why?.....

because ill never find the answers anyway. i just have to live my life to the fullest now... to stop worrying for tomorrow ..... and just to live for today.

i dont know when will i ever be happy but ill just try to be complete as day goes by.

my journey is still a long way but i am taking my steps slowly that way, ill be able to see the simple things ill me meeting along the way which might lift my heart to smile and have that bit of happiness i am longing for.

life is never easy. its never even fair. but one thing i've come to realized, life is not being fair at all but surpasing the unfair reality.

the right thing

2007-08-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

"we have the right love at the wrong time..." that was the song that is being requested of me to sing. somebody whispehered, "sing it for me please...complete..."

as i sing the song, there was this feeling inside that to me, its kinda strange. what could be the meaning behind the song? well, its just a song of course but i know, there is something that is being conveyed to me.

"right love at the wrong time." that is usually the drama of two people who have bumbed with each other belatedly. its either, one is committed or two of them do. sad thing though, despite of being one, intimacy with another grow and what is amazing is that, they manage to be in the licit side of the coin. to control... to ignore and be blind of the their own feelings.

i admire those people who really can be honest of themselves as to their inner feelings. i agree that, when love comes in, nothing can stop it. its a force of nature that no matter how you try to deny it, it will insistently be in your heart until such time that there is no way out.

the question of whether or not this is ringht, comes in. many will say, its wrong, some will say its right and others will say, no comment.

many people are being judged for having an illicit affair. in the first place, why was it termed illicit? one is just to love, so does it mean that to love is something wrong? is it to love that is being wrong or is it whom you love that makes it incorrect?

i say, i am not in the position to question those who engaged into such affair. to me, what matters most is the intention of the parties concened. if you are to engaged to an affair that is seemingly wrong because you would like to destroy something that is already there before you come in, then the amity per se is wrong. however, it you are to be in a relationship knowing what is it to be there before, during and after ... accepting the things you own and you do not own... and simply being there because you wanted to be true of yourself, to me there is nothing wrong with that. besides, you cannot go against the forces of nature. Hence, you cannot get away of loving when love knocks at your door becuase it knows no time, no place and no limits.

ERGO: THERE IS NO REALLY RIGHT LOVE AT THE WRONG TIME BECAUSE THERE IS NEVER A WRONG TIME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

you remain

2007-08-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

was such a while since the last time our eyes met. well.... i know im more okay now. its nice to see you with that smile and i presumed you saw mine too. with those looks, can we sincerely say we're finally okay and happy?

sometimes, there are things better left unsaid... some say, to avoid the hurting... yet sometimes silence speaks of closure... for two people once intimate to end up as friends still.

when i saw you smile at me, i saw a sparkle in your eyes and i know that the joy i had in my heart that moment is the same as yours.

we have bidded goodbye to the unexpected closeness but we are now gaining strength from that past...

you remain though.... you remain....

mind over heart

2007-05-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

its been quite a while since we haven't talk. its nice to see that smile in your face though its very vivid how it shakes you within. i just wonder why are you too nervous when it was you who claimed that "its nothing"? well, perhaps,there are really matters meant to be unsaid, right?

i dont know how will i describe the feeling of seeing you again face to face. there is a space of joy indeed in my heart but somehow, how i'd wish, the meeting should have not happened. why? because our minds tells us what we are supposed to be acting but our hearts speaks of something that i know, we should not be talking about anymore.

life.... life... life.....

releasing

2007-04-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

i really dont know what to write at this moment. i know i have a lot of things in my head and in my heart to write but i simply dont know how to start the jottting. i am confused (?) disturbed (?) worried (?) but one thing i know for sure is that, certinly, i want to make some release of whatever thing i have inside me at this very moment. i feel that its too heavy already... and it very hard carrying this thing. im too afraid that anytime now, i might eventually break down.

god..... i cant take it anymore. its been months now... but the cuts here in me are fresh still. i dont know why and i am amazed why am i like this now. i used to be a strong person. can manage to walk alone in the middle of a road full of darkness. i used to be alone. have no friends around. nobody to share and no one to hold on. i was trained to have only nothing but myself. i did survive. i see no reason why i cant be like who i am before.

with you walking into my life though, i become to wonder why cant i be?
when you brought me joy but double it of melancholy (?)
when you disregarded everything that went between us and treated me as your enemy (?) when you touched my life but torn my heart into pieces(?)
when you denied , who you are when we were together, when you treated me nothing but a stranger by now?
when you made me wait for nothing?
when you fooled me and played of my feelings?
when you lied of being true?
when you betrayed me?..

perhaps its for real....
perhaps its real...
that despite of every follishing thing you've shown me, i was indeed sincere when i said i love you...

song title: why?

2007-02-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

the music that a heart sings really is very sweet... the melody makes one smile and it lingers in the ears of man. it remains within the soul not just for days, months, years but even for eternal.

yet the songs that the heart sings are not always sweet. sometimes sad tune comes in play and the beating becomes quite irregular. it manages to feel pain and tears more often than not roll in the cheeks of man.

there are songs of the heart indeed that lift us into the summit of nirvana. it bring joy into our lives....make us see the color of the world and make us smell the fragrance of the flowers. when these songs are being played, we think of forever....

yet, its not always the case. good things never last as they say. frustrating is, painful songs are being played played longer. the reason why sometimes, man tend to ask and blame somebody outthere.

i know its wrong. but man as i may do have some questions in mind that until now remains unanswered. like... why do i have to met a person whom could hurt me so badly? why cant i forget someone when i have been compelling myself to get him out of my mind? why do i love thee? why cant i hate him? and why are you affecting my life so well?

the song that is being played in the radio of my life now is something that i dont want to hear. aside from the fact that it spells melancholy, it slowly take away my personality. i hate it because i feel like im too damned. i know im a fool but i've never been too damn in my entire life than who i am now. i wanted to hate you yet i end up hating myself.

why?

i have been good to my fellowmen and to you. tried to please all of them including you, didnt i? i tried sacrificing for you.... i risk it all and i have given you my all.

yet, you consider me as the object of your game. of all people why you? you, whom i consider to be a son of god? you, whom i adore, i respect, i trust and i love? i want to kill you, thats true. but bull shit! i simply cant!

wrong sent

2007-02-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

heart's day is over. but its nice to remember though what have happened during that day.

i received a lot of greetings both from old and new friends on the 14th . i decided to let the day pass by unnoticed, because i really dont want to think of the occassion. and so i ignored all of them.

was late afternoon when my cellphone beeped....a new message. i thought it was my lady lawyer friend whom i have a rendesvouz for that night. i eagerly opened it only to find out that its a message coming from a person who have been the reason of me forgetting of the heart's day occassion.

the greatest shock of my life indeed. imagine, the person who is projecting to me that i'm nothing, and that he doest care, now txting me HAPPY VELENTINES DAY" ?....... wow! one hell of a miracle, right?

that moment, no scintilla of happiness emerged inside me. like, this bullshit creature of god, who have caused me pain for so long when he under estimated my being me. i mean, ... i cant think of any reason for him to hurt me that much.... but still he did. i have no choice. i have to take it and simply have to get used to live alone without him as a friend.

i have managed to move on. it was hard..so hard... indeed. if only i could let everybody reading this now the cuts i received for doing something that is totally against my will, i will definately will, but my words are not enough to describe it, because the hurting was beyond compare...

im almost okay,.... have tried killing every feeling that i have inside me.tried to be numbed too. somehow i was succeeding and was doing quite well with my own world when suddenly, here you come again????!!!!

its just a text message, i know, but you have just elevated your being a pretender and the great liar of all times!!! the guts of greeting me happy heart's day when you are the very reason who have killed my heart!? the guts of texting my number a message that is supposed to be not mine? trying to fake everything again? to fake me? of what? that you wanted to greet me, only that you dont want me to know that you care? trying to have some stories again?

was a message that is not for me as you wanted me to believe it. was a wrong sent. just but proper to return it back to you.

letting go of the rope

2007-02-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

a friend in the office once asked me, "why do we have to let go when we can also hold on?"

according to her, its the irony sometimes that we let go when we have already managed to hold on into a situation we are aware of to be so strange from the very beginning?

somewhow, she is right.... but as i write this blog, i have exactly answer of the opposite side.

we hold on into something because we like it.... oftentimes we feel that its good for us and most of the time, we woke up in the morning realizing, the things is the reason for the smile in our lips.

we tend to be so blind indeed. that we never noticed how the green leaves of the trees fall in the ground as autum comes. we always thinks that its the spring time and we just have to accept it that its never good being like that.

for a person like me, who have tried holding on and saving something that i once thought to be worth treasuring.... come now the point of my life when i finally decided to let go of the rope.

why?

because while holding on into something you once held for so LONG is good, when hurting comes into the picture.... pain is apparent and very vivid.... the rope becomes so short and slippery that you dont have any choice but to let go.

its painful specially when the rope have been a part of you. but when changes come, letting go is the best thing to do in order to rebuilt not of the rope but thy hands to hold into something that is worth holding of.

i am indeed letting go of your rope but never the threads that have already created scars in my hand while holding it because no matter how hard i try now, those will always be there to remind me that once in my life, i have found you... i have cared for you and i have loved you to the fullest.

the rope is never small and my hands never slipped away, letting go means no goodbye but its a way of showing how of staying forever.

i let go of you now my love; but now will never let go of you;
i will let go of now; but i will never let of you!

uninvited

2007-01-29T08:16:00.000-08:00

i dont really know whats with this but lemme share it to whomever is fond of expressing themselves in many ways. its actually a song that i havent even sing but as i listen to it, it lifts up my spirit. why? well, lets just say... im just but human!

like anyone would be
i am flattered by your fascinations with me
like any hotblooded woman
i have simply wanted an object to crave
but you, youre not allowed

youre uninvited
an unfortunate slight
must be strangely exciting
to watch the stoic squim

must be someone heartening
to watch shepherd meet sheperd
but you, youre not allowed
youre uninvited

an unfortunate slight
like any uncharted territory
i must seem greatly intriguing
you speak of my love like
you have experienced love like mine before
but this is not allowed

youre uninvited
an unfortuante slight
i dont think you unworthy
i need a moment to deliberate.

sometimes, we have to let go of things not because we dont want them but simply because its not ours. crazy though because why would they have to come along right? i dont know. i dont have the answer. but one thing for sure, everything comes with a purpose. may not be vivid now but sooner or later itll just come before our very eyes. in the least time we expect.

i too have this "knowing-holding on-letting go and hoping still" drama. was hurt. so deep. did trust. so well. went crazy, indeed but after a while, i have lessons learned. i became stronger and so i say..... someday... i'll see you again.

when that time comes, ...... we'll see who really is uninvited.

the real man

2007-01-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

i was able to watch a ms. gay beauty pageant some days ago. believe it or not, it is actually my first time to witness a competition such as that. I mean, sure, i know for a fact that there is such pageants. I have watched it over the television but to see them in flesh doing their cat walks on the stage...well, it was really my first time.

when i was on my way to the place, i thought i'll just get bored because i must admit, i went there not to see the show but to accompany a friend who happened to be one of the judges that evening. whether i like it or not, i have to be there for my friend.

indeed, i have to stay. the lights turned off. the audience begun shouting and cheering. loud music started to play. i heard hands clapping and the production number of the contestant has begun.

goodness! the gays were fabulous. they were really beautiful and stunning with their dresses. if i werent aware that its a gay competition, i would even think that i'm watching a beauty and brains pageant for women. i was amazed and to be honest, the lovely gays left me something to think of that night.

during their production number, each of the candidates would introduced themselves as would usually mention a slogan of their own. sort of telling to their audience of their respective principles in life.

most of them or should i say, almost all of them quoted a saying which goes out like, viz: "its hard to be a man when youre not a real man, its hard to be a woman when youre not a real woman, we may be gays but we come into the open because we are just being true!"

initially, i laughed for the statement specially the way they say it, its kinda funny. but after a while, i realized that such statments indeed is very meaningful. it speaks of being true to one's self and not to fear of the how will people look up to them after coming out.

then i begun to asked, why are there people who hide of their true identity? why are there people who hide of themselves? why are there people who pretend? and why are there people who doesnt confess?

the only thing i can think of to be a good answer is the word "FEAR"

of what?

well, maybe of how will the society take their revelations...
or maybe of how will people treat them after coming out in the closet..
or might even as well, worrying of the things they may loss in being real...
or worst, might be that they fear of themselves.

there are really people who worries a lot of the society. i mean, pretension comes in because the community might have negative notions and comments. people may start getting away, maintaining a distance with the revelation one might have had. there are people though who manage to pretend and ignore themselves because they are afraid of the truth that they are into things that they believed to be wrong.

these people are idiots! and nothing but fools because they think of how will they please others without thinking of pleasing their own selves. to me, life is simple. basic is the rule that you cannot give what you do not have. that easy, right?

but with these people who, pretend and hide of their true identity, feelings and thoughts, pleasing others is their primary considertion. they hope that making others happy would make them happy. they please them hoping they would be pleased too.

lemme put it this way, its just like craving for ice cream but because its rainy season, you would prefer not to eat it as its absurd to have something cold when the weather is already one. its funny right? but its true.

we always think of how will others think of us when we could worry more of how will we see ourselves. we have always planned of how will we be able to make others happy when we never had the change to think of our own happiness.

people come to the point of lying, good if only to others but worst if they go beyond fo lying unto themselves and conscience. they pretend not to feel of something that is intensely within them. they hope that things will be better if they continue to be that way. they smile and laugh when they know that they are hurting. they hide. they act differently. they wear masks when they all have the chances to take off the same..... at their own expense..... that they dont realize.

that night, i must admit, i begun appreciating the gay group of the society. the man tribe may say that they are a disgrace to the masculine community but little did they know that these people are just being true... and i find them even more better. far beyond than those men who in all respects are masculine but being hyprocite unto themselves, pretending not capable of feeling, when their acts are very vivid.

gays are indeed softer than men but in some ways, gays are more masculine than men do because they can stand on their being gays as compared to those men who pretends to be not human.

cycles of cuts

2007-01-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

you can't believed it?
why that look?
you can't take it?
this you wanted,
now its yours!

im no longer the girl you used to ignore,
the girl you used to hurt,
the girl you used to play,
this you made of,
now its yours!

had no light to guide then
you took my hand
i hold on
suddenly you left me hanging
its your call!

wondering?.....
surprised?.....
angry?....
of my being worse?....
your made me!

you hurt me no more
you affects me nothing
you made me an angel
you turned me to a devil
you produced me!

now, why that look?
whats so surprising?
whats so unusual?
and whats so hurting?
isnt not this you wanted?

you asked for it
i was in damn hell
had hard time comprehending
but you intensely insisted
now ITS ALL YOURS!

SEE THE WORST IN MY LOVE!

at my most furious!

2007-01-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

dearest ,

its almost a new day.... one o'clock in the morning.... i should be sleeping already. i wanted to. did try to close my eyes but.... bullshit! i just cant get myself out of this thing inside me now brought about by a god damn person like you!

i wanted to hit you... if only i can...
to slap you in the face... if only i have chance ....
and throw you in hell.... if only there is a possibility!

you know what?,
youre a big liar!!!
the most ungentle creature i've ever met!
the most insensitive human in the world!
and the greatest pretender in the entire universe!!!

u call for honesty when you know yourself is untrue?
u call others to give love when you, yourself dont know how to love?
i dont even know now whether youre still human?
because u dont project to be one!

its not what you wear, what you say that builds your idenity;
its how you do what you say exemplified by what you wear that speaks of who you are, for words may be powerful but oftentimes decieving, specially for people who doesnt know about having honor and integrity!

this i share to thou! FAKE!

vision to thyself

2006-12-28T21:57:00.000-08:00

some weeks ago, i read an article in a news paper. it was actually simple yet worth reading. why?----- because it spells the truth about the issue on conass as a mode of chacha intertwind with faith.

I was captivated by its title....sounds like a title of a song.... intriguing. I must admit, my interest sparked from its title.

observations on how does the society react with the "see saw" attitude of our political leaders as well as how the different sectors of the community make way of their views; thiese i begun to think.

the youth.------ young, idealistic. aggressive. they make use of the streets in expressing their opinions. they exercise their constitutional rights (naks!). sure, its a healthy way of exercising democracy. its becoming free, right? one thing that annoys me though is, they shout for reforms, hated corruption, march on the streets protesting for ALL governmental acts, as if, they know everything; and that the government have done nothing good for them. they tend not only to be idealistic but totally blind of the reality that the people running the government are the very people they voted. they cry for democracy, yet, they too oftentimes abuse it. dont know whether the forgetting was natural or intentionally. when i see them over the television, i think of no word but "perfectionist!"

the media.----- truth. balancer. informer. when i was younger, i always dreamed of becoming a journalist. not because i wanted to write but because i believed that i can make a difference through writing. i even consider the media as a separate branch of the state. because i thought (and which should be the case) that they are the middle men for and between the three (3) branches of the government. unfortunately though, some media men of today have also forgotten this role. they have been riding into the political juggle, instead of mitigating the chaotic effect, they aggravate the turmoil between the parties. they criticize. sure, its a good thing. but the way i see the news of the media nowadays, i cant help but to think of a single term ..................."bias!"

the military.------- brave. courageous. law abiding. they were trained to defend the state and to be the protector of the people. they live by their allegiance to the government and they offer their lives in ex change for liberty. surprisingly, the papers dictate that these men and women from the military are also forgetting the role that they should be playing. they now form part of the yoke of the government because of these coup attemps and other acts of going over the very institution who made them. when i see them, the first word that comes into my mind is........ "betrayal!"

the church.----- holy. moral. spiritual. this is the institution where people go when everything gets wrong. in times to calamity, people call for the all the saints; in times of adversities, people call for all the angels; in times of sickness, people call the clergies for annointment. they say prayers are very powerful. people go to church, hear mass. petitioning for a lot of things. holy right? but holy as it may, the church has its own way to politics too. how? it make use of the institution in telling to the people on how should they react and how would they believe regarding some issues of the community. i heard blames. left and right. against the government we have now. funny but sometimes, i see the church equated to "mendiola." the street where protestants march and make their views heard. sad thing though, is the fact that sometimes the holy scriptures are being utilized to preach political option. my question is, -----is this proper?

well, everybody has itheir views on all matters. however, i believe that the respective intituions we are into must always be the startng point of everything.

you simply have no business to go in the streets and cry for the supremacy of law when you know yourslef to be law breaker.

you simply dont have the right to stage coupt'de tat, crave for the government to be loyal to you when you yourself has no alliegance to the state.

you dont have the right to critisize by informing the public of the corrupt government officials when you yourself is a conspirator, either directly or indirectly benefiting from them.

you dont have the right to call for holiness and morality when behind that white attire is unpure and immoral body and you know yourself that you have betrayed your vow.

i dont know if many would agree with me when i say that in all institutions, there is the so called politicizing. you gain some, you win some, you threw the blame and pretend to be clean to the many. my point is, in all the sectors of the society now, i say that no one is left pure. everybody is unclean and that means NO EXEMPTION!

being unclean in never bad. its never an err and its never unusual. its good to know one's right, indeed. its okay to campign to upheld the law. besides, thats the ideal way. yet, in doing so, we should try at least to reflect unto ourselves whether our principles in life would go hand in hand with that of the things we are fighting for. we should at least try to post a question unto ourselves whether we shall be credible with the rights we are crying for.

this is simple. its being natural; admission of being a human; taking an oversight unto thy self before to our neighbor and the use of consicence as an ingredient to the menu we are about to prepare.

its seeing the deeper us. the true us and the main objective of us as justified with our deeds. because the gauge of how can we influence others as to the things we crave will be on how we have lived our lives.

may it be in politics and current issues , i say, that reforms should be viewed first on one's eyes for you to see the eyes of anothers and tell them what could be wrong for the blurred vision.

nothing me, you without

2006-12-28T19:37:00.000-08:00

you always say that im nothing without you...
you always make me feel that im no importance to you...
you claimed though that you have given your all for me...
yet you never realized things tangible is what you just handed...

understanding i compelled to instill in my mind...
conditioned it in your favor...
for so long i was a mute...
no voice, no brains and no dicernment...

was a machine...
nod is all what it has to do...
been numbed...
now can feel no more...

come time that the flowers have to bloom...
leaves have to fall...
seeds to spout...
and emotions that have to be burst out...

its not my fault that you were hurt...
its not my fault that you did cry...
its not my fault that you have had sufferings...
its not my fault that i was born...

but you cursted me...
of being the root of evils in your world...
you carry me up so high to show you can...
and made me an object of your revenge...

you succeeded, you won...
opponent were left behind and you lead...
are you happy?
are you satisfied?

despite of everything, you remain uncontended...
trying to push me for more...
never uttered a word due to respect...
have forgotten even that is due to mine...

i have lived in a world so lifeless...
but i complained none for i was tender...
now i have come to aged...
still you want to control of me...

when will you let go of me?
when will you realize i have life?
when will you think of my likes?
when will you consider of my desires?

im human,
with heart, mind and soul,
but turned out to be numbed,
you made me one.

now im into pains too
but you are not here to understand the way i did,
have to bear the cuts alone,
alone, alone and alone.

you dont know what ive been through now,
because you never ask of my life,
you know nothing but yours,
and so i have no choice.

im so weak,
trying to project im not,
i smile indeed,
but im hurting inside.

im a clown,
could make others happy,
never myself,
never myself!

ah,....I am nothing...indeed!
this is me....
an appellant...
for what?
for things i never had
as you never allowed.

truly, im nothing, without you!

the option

2006-12-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

literal or liberal?
the letter or the spirit?
the provision or the ultimate purpose?
legal syllogism or substantial justice?
in isolation or inthe context of social conditions?
harshly against or gently in favor of a person's obvious choice?

I say, it would be far better to err in favor of one's happiness
than to be right in complex but unrealistic and little understood legalisms!
For rules are sometimes unfounded;
Designed to protect not the noun but the sentence;
A deceitful way of educating;
And a shame to the populance of the group!

fatally untitled!

2006-12-28T10:03:00.000-08:00

reveal your personality;
and youll see yourself true;
naught of hipocracy;
deal with reality at once;
you know its true;
vying for lies still cant accept it;
annoys the spirit and mind;
lone, that you want the world to see;
destiny dictates;
illussions in your mind;
zeal you adore;
over the heart desires;
numbed you have learned;
you wish you can;
apparently it shows;
no illusions this time;
comely you thought;
hate emerging slowly;
even if it cuts the other;
truly its intentional;
and you will just have to do it!

testing, fooling & crying is "US"

2006-12-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

its been exactly twenty five days, nine hours and twenty one minutes since the last time that two hearts were like, lets just say, "tied" with each other. they used to be sweet, very sweet, and though they were indeed two in number, they were regarded as one , beating the same rhythm.... we both agreed.....

it was for unknown reason that suddenly, the two hearts separated. it was painful and i thought the cut would be unending. did cry..... asked and wondered..... yet no answers were availing.

two hearts let time passed, hoping it'll be for the better. no questions, no answers and no comments whatsoever. no explanations, no apologies. no everything. simple ordinary day, so we thought. time will heal the wounds..... the heavens will bear the cuts,.... we believed....

indeed, two hearts tried to be casual.. of understanding the underlying uncertain reason for the changes.... great change. tried to forget the rhythm that they once beat and tried to erase all the good things shared. we thought everything is okay. so we thought......

until, two hearts tested whether they could manage to go face to face again. as if nothing happened. and nothing will matter already. come the day we went out together again , after all the rhythm, cuts and reality of rejections..... we hoped we can do it..... we'll do it.....

sure, two hearts made it. talked and saw each other as if nothing happened really. very casual. the way they used to (?) wondering was gone.... wanting for clarity and explanations faded away. we succeeded....... we made it (?).......

yet, two hearts can never fool themselves. your eyes still speaks of wanting and the touch still calls for caress. my words still means affection and the gesture still long for flame we used to share.... we have tested the waters...... yet we failed....

no matter how two hearts try to deny... no matter how two hearts try to hide.... the truth hurts still..... we still feel the way we used to. only that we're both dreamin' now.... we now claim that we are no humans.... that we are machines..... numbed and totally hardened by time..... we used to be for real but reality has ended.... now.... we chose to live in fantasy (or a reality?)...... that two hearts can never be one!

we tested the waters,..... initially, we won... so we thought...... we tested it again after the rainy days..... we erred this time! ..... for all we knew, we were the champion.... but in the end.... i know, you know and we both know, we both are losers! because we can never be who we want to be with each other!

holy angels crying on the rain.... petitioning for forgiveness from the heavens yet refused to follow the way he wanted us to walk through.

two hearts tested fooling and ended up crying!

the word "love"

2006-11-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

they say that to love is the greatest thing that may happen in one's life. its the the sweetest feeling that anyone can have and as many would say, its the most exciting part of our lives.

i wonder whats with the term "love" that makes a friend of mine smile when i know that she seldom smile from the moment that i met her. i wonder whats with the word too that makes a friend of mine cry when only yesterday, i saw him laughing with her in the streets while they exchage whisphers of hello.

a friend of mine told me that she's in love. another confessed to me that he loves her too. i saw them hold hands, eat together and travel together. i saw them embraced and finally enjoy each others company. to me, they were inseparable. they share each others joy and sorrow. the girl was quite brainy and talkative. the guy was silent and humble. totlally opposites yet they go together well. to me, they were a picture of perfect couple ripened by time and sweetened by their friendship. i envy them indeed. i must admit, how i wish i could have the same relationship .

days passed and ive been busy with work. i have not seen my frineds for sometime. until one day, the brainy talkative gal, alone,....with tears in her eyes.....came to me and embraced me as she begun to ask me..."why?"

i didnt answer. primarily, i had no idea what was the reason for the tears and above all, it was a big question to me, why was she alone? where could her friend be?

following days, i saw him too. with a smile...unlike her, he came close to me like nothing had happened.we shook hands like the way we used to. some conversations.... "hi"s and "hello"s..... i tried to gauge things as he would laugh at me. i could hear him laugh, see him smile but in his eyes i could see...and im pretty sure about it... he wasnt happy..... he was just pretending.

later did i know that they have already ended the togetherness that i once envy. why? because of love. funny, right? confusing and brain twisting.

I could hardly comprehend but they each say unto me it was simple. the gal loves the guy and so she though its hurting, she has to let him go. the guy loves the gal and so he wanted her to be happy.

the gal was a giver while the guy was concerned. the gal was submissive, while the guy is a listener. really it sucks to understand but there are reasons that only the heart knows that even itself could not understand.

how do i love thee, let me count the ways.....
why do i love you?......
why does it hurt?.....
why are there questions?,,,,...
why dont we have answers?.....
i dont know really...
but one thing for sure....
its all because of the term "love"!

my teacher

2006-08-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

books to me when i was still young were like teachers. me and my classmates in the elementary school used to believe in everything that the book says. to me, it is something that i should follow because it basically tells me what is right and never wrong.

i developed the said attitude till college. i read books so much that i have learned to love and have passion with the legal world. sure, its boring yet very interesting though . maybe because in my readings, i have discovered the different rights of every individual which must be respected by everybody. the same is protected and guaranteed irrespective of race, sex, status in the society and even age, hence, ideally, ANYBODY ENJOYS THE TREATMENT OF BEING EQUAL TO THAT OF EVERYBODY (really huh?, lets see!)

it is frustrating though that as i grow older, reality threatens me of the fact that all what i've read are nothing but fallacies!

just this time, i was able to know a person who have been captured in flagrante delicto. was detained for almost three weeks now. no information relative to his capture has yet been filed in court.

according to the book i've read, no person can ever be detained for a period longer than 24, 36 or 72 hours depending on the gravity of the offense committed, otherwise the dention shall be illegal.

the other book says, the philippine national police represents civilian and are considered, the law enforcers of the state. ENFORCERS! i suppose that means, they are the frontliners on the implementation of every law in the Philippines, right? simply said, these police officers have the responsibility to have "justice" be served to everybody, equally and without any qualifications.

the person i was referring to have been detained for almost a month now. with no information having filed against him in court. or even if there was, had actually posted bail for his provisional liberty.

but these policemen would not simply let him go! wanna know why?

because, they dont feel like letting him go without giving anything "for the boys"; they are serving "justice" fairly and squarely to all! (that is according to them, take note).

with this set up, i cant help but to wonder now whether the book have mistakenly taught me on the real definition of the term "justice" and "equality," or maybe the right words would be probably "INJUSTICE" and "INEQUALITY?"

realism sometimes thrust me within that what i learned from my teacher were but all myths. i casts doubts indeed.

yet, i leave it up to you.
as for me..

"the fighting may be hard and might have even be a long way to go but a journey begins always in a single step. i may be alone for now but still would be for the principle that i have learned and for what i believe. my teacher will always be my guide. and my teacher will be real, i know!"

the reckoning....

2006-08-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

there are many things in the world that i wanted to learn. since my childhood, i have always dreamed high but made it sure that i could attain every goal i set in my life. i hate being unorganized the reason why i have always kept an organizer...one, is for my da- to-day schedule, and the other....an organizer of my life.

funny as it may but i have no good reason to cheat myself. i HATE hypocrites! and i cannot afford to be one. I love being me... resgardless of what others say..... i sand to be me.....because......ITS NICE TO BE FREE(YAH) AND LIBERAL!

back to the topic.... as i was saying, i have high goals. I grew up in a poor family and to me, when i was like growing, punching the keyboard of a computer was quite an impossible dream. later, i have come across the term "cyber", " net", "chat" ,"email" "blog" and the like. gosh! i dont know about all these things! how will know it?

through patience i was able to have myself a second hand computer after my graduation in college. learning on how to operate the same has been made easier. thereafter, i was able to install my own internet server and so, i was able to experience surfing the net, chatting and opening my own e-mail account. but again, my god!i still dont dont know about "blogging!" i used to be hopeless then, because aside from being busy, i have nobody in mind who will gonna teach me how, the easier approach.

then came the Friedrich Naumann Foundation. wow! in a matter of minutes, they were able to teach me how to launch my own blog and im so happy about it. its another achievement on my part because through "blogging" i could be me...the real me... and nothing but me alone!

this is actually my first blog and today is the reckoning...... much gratitude to the FNF! i must say, I owe you one!