doubts in my mind

i wanted to say these things to you in person but i simply cant find the right words to form a good sentence for me to convey my thoughts as crystal as i would want it to be. i wanted to tell you to listen carefully for you to understand my point but i was afraid, you'll refuse to lend your ears because you might just misunderstood everything just by the first word that i'll utter. and i am just too afraid to argue with you when i know that i cant defend myself up to the end because i would not want to hurt you by my frankness. sure, i can do it to anybody else, but not to you.

ive tried to think it over a million times, whether its proper for me to say these.... a side of my mind would say, i have to be honst with you and so, i have to... yet, i cant deny the fact that, another side of me whispers that i'll just hurt you and everything will result to chaos. so, where will i go?

im taking the risk to tell it to you now, thru this. blogging anyway as a good friend of mine used to tell me shoul reflect my being me. indeed! that should be the case. and so far, .. i could honestly say, everything that have been written in this page, speaks of truth and sincerity. no fallacies. and above all,.. not made just to create a different me inside the mind of whoever will read it.

going back, i would want to ask.....

"did you ever consider me as part of your life? and will you ever consider me ahead over those people around you now? will you ever provide for me the way you provide them? will you hand me what you have when the right time comes? will you also cry when im gone the way i see you cry now? will you ever take care of me when ill be sick? and above all, will you know me still when im no longer the person you know now, just the ordinary ME with nothing to own? "

im not judging you. the reason why. i didnt have the guts to ask. im afraid you might get me wrong. worse, im too afraid of your answers.

denial; blindness and being numbed

there are times that we feel it’s too much and we can't take it any longer. times, that we tend to be fed up of the things that for quite sometime we thought were but ok. but we’re actually not. — we become in denial.

we used to say, we can handle it,... we can bear with it because it’s no big deal or maybe that we don’t want to take it seriously. its either, we're preoccupied of things and digging into it will just be a waste of time or might be that we know from the very start that the thing will just kill us with pain the reason why we leave it unnoticed. we refuse to see it , in other words because we just can’t afford to hurt ourselves with the things that we can’t change.------ we become blind.

be that as it may, we continue to live with these things every single day of our lives and actually try to inculcate into our minds that there's nothing wrong. sometimes, we even look for matters that will convince us that what is going on is actually right, trying to justify the gaffe because its a reality and we just cant escape from it. our blindness thereafter is mixed with deadened feelings with the hope that we will never wake up one day grasping the actual situation.------ we become numbed.

there are just these things we know to be not good for us from the very start but we, despite of our intelligence choose to do it still. I wonder why does man, being the highest form of creature could manage and allow some things to be done knowing fully well that it will be of his disadvantage? I wonder too, why does man tend to be so patient of ignoring the painful reality and oftentimes chooses to live with fallacy though it will kill them in the end?

I don’t know why am i asking these things. Might be that i’m just in wonder or probably wanted some stirring.

what is certain of me now though is... i don't want the feeling of being unwanted. nobody will ever be. i tell you, if you we're really sincere with your pleases of me to stay... perhaps, my questions need not be answered anymore. Prove to me that the wondering within me is nothing but s myth snf thst reality tells otherwise.

false hopes (?)

i once hope... dream.....and held into a promise that i know would make me feel complete. time passed and until now, the same remained to be unfulfilled. when i finally came into proper discernemnt i have already dropped the thought. i used to believed i have already erased it in my mind. "no more dreaming....because it cant be real anymore!" that i used to tell to myself.

only the other night when i had this confusing feeling brought about by a movie i was watching. its actually a cheap thing but though it will put me in a bit of shame, yes... i got carried with the movie and made my eyes in tears even.

and then i realized, shit! the tears were all because of my long time hope. i dont know whether i should be happy or sad but really i am in wonder why the hell am i still affected? i know i have this ill feeling insdie me for obvious reasons, the promise was not fulfilled, yet, all along i thought, its ok now. i thought i am fine and honestly, i thought i will not think about it anymore. yet, i am wrong.

why?.... what bothers me most is the fact that,... i still have this grudge within me. and its killing me. i cant believe it but.... as if im missing him?.... me???? missing who????? i want to hate myself for feeling that way. is it not that i have long hated him? is it not that i have even cursed him? is it not that i have already treated him dead?????

is it really possible that we tend to do what we dont really feel? and what we really feel sometimes is in conflict with what we think? and we dont know it ourselves?

these questions linger... or should i say, bother me now.... because if it is in the affirmative,... well my god! im in deep shit! that would only mean, i still long for him!

and is it posible for me to long for someone who have brought my life into hell? a person who gave life but eventually mastermind my death? is it really possible for me to love a person who never loved me at all? or am i still in hope that he will eventually love me?...