unwanted call

"hate me 4 who i am n 4 what ive done. thanks..." recieved july 19,2008 @ 7:42 pm

giving: two sides of the coin

sometimes there are things that we just cant explain. things that we want to say but we just cant fnd the right words to use in expressing the same. often times too, we chose to be silent to avoid arguements and for us not to hurt some people we love. we tend to be good in the eyes of our loves ones because we wanted to please them. all for the ultimate aim.... to make them happy.

my "inainahan" once described me to a giver. well, i really dont know. and i really cant tell. perhaps she sees me that way. according to her too, i have been used to give so much attention to the people i love to the point of forgetting about myself. hmnnn.... really? im not aware. all i know is that i want them to feel how much they mean to me and that ill do everything for them.

unfortunately, not all of them see it that way. i dont even know whether they appreciate it. one even told me that he's having a hard time dealing with me..... like he cant breath anymore.

i wanted to say "i beg to disagree"....

i wanted to say, "youre wrong".... ...

that "please understand me".......

and wanted to asked, "why are you too insensitive of what i feel?"..... "where did i go wrong?" ......

and "why are you hurting me ?"........

but i decided to just leave it as it is. i opt to be in my silence and just cure the cut the statement caused within me. in short, i didnt mind the pain.... i just kept on and with all honesty, tried my best to do what he wanted despite the tears....

my "inainahan" adviced me to let go of the baggages.... i am trying my best... if only she knew..... i am... with all might..... i am ..... but you see,... things really just dont happened the way we want them to be. and i cant do anything about it.

i am hoping thought that the heavens will help me in my long journey of life. i have been alone.... still alone and might be that will perpetually be alone but i will learn to accept it for me to start enjoying my own life.

i have lerned one thing for today.... loving should not mean placing things the way we want them to be.... it is accepting the person we love..... all sides of him.

i hoped,..... i will also be acepted that way.

wonderin'

i have always wanted to post this blog for like a month now. i kept on holding it in my mind because i would not want to think that i am really is that morbid. i honestly believe that what i have in me during those times is a feeling that somehow makes me smile. problem is, i cant find the answers within me why and what is that smile for. could it be that im happy? of could it be that im sad?

well, perhaps a reader like you would want to help me find out. i know i am no perfect and at times really have some doubts as to the feelings i have inside. if you were in my shoes, how would you feel if news would reached you to the effect that the person who used to hate is already..... dead (?)

i wanted to say,... well good for him.. he deserves it. but i know its never proper. i wanted too to think and utter that may he rest in peace but i know he'll not because of the evil things he did to me.

i dont know. wonderin' really i am. a part of me says, i should forgive but a question tells me otherwise. how would you forgive someone who never dare asked for forgiveness? worse, will you ever foregive someone who would say that he never did err? how will you reconcile forgiveness withouth repentance?

you tell me.... perhaps you know better than i do......

res ipsa luquitor

"at the end of the day, there are some things we cant just help but talk about. some things we dont want to hear and some things we say because we cant be silent any longer. some things are more tthan what you say, they're what you do. some things are said because there's no others choice. and no too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."

deeply hurting

a name perhaps is one (if not the most) of the basic identification that a person can have. we know each other thru our respective names and oftentimes, we even have our quick judgments of how do we actually and really know someone just by hearing his or her name. save in cases of course if the person is stranger to us, yet reality sometimes would even say that, its the other way around; the reason why we have the so called thing, "first impression."

everytime someone would call us with our names, we are being alarmed because we know that somebody else is referring to us. that's basic reaction. someone calls for your name, you outrightly answer.

name comes into many forms. pen name, nickname, endearment callings, among others. all of which however just mean one and the same thing--- it is how we call someone as we identify them to be as such.

our names indeed is something that we own. one thing we can safely say that it is ours and preciously taken care of because it speaks of us. some even go to the point of suing another for bresmiching their names or for casting some dishonor.

what is my point of having all of these things? what is has to do with the thing inside me now? has somebody cast dishonor in my name? or has there someone else took my name that i should be concerned of?

actually none. good enough, i have unique name and nobody so far has ever claimed that we have the same name. i cannot please everybody and so, i cant help if somebody else out there has been casting some dishonor with my name. i really dont mind though because, i know to myself, i am doing no wrong to anybody else.

whats my point then?

simple. its not just too easy to hear someone else calling you by the name of another when youre in front of him in flesh. its too painful for one to hear somebody else name when you know for a fact that it was you he is actually referring. many may laugh of me for having such feeling but with all honesty, i was indeed hurt when i was called by a name not mine as i do my best to make a person so dear to make him happy. it was me doing the thing but he was actually calling for somebody else.

i dont know the reason behind but there are only two things possible....

first, he was thinking of that person;
second, he sees and believed me to be the other person because he always wanted that person to do the thing i was doing.

whatever it is,..... one thing is for sure,...... it torn my heart into pieces.

what have i done that you have never seen me to be me? what was wring that you have never thought of me everytime we're together? where did i go wrong? what else should i do for you to finally see that its me and not anybody else anymore?

i was hurt. so hurt and yes,..... i took it seriously.

running out of words

how can i ever tell you the things i wanted to say?...
how will i start to utter words...
how will i use the letters of the alphabet...
when it seems not enough to describe what's here inside me?
i dont know....
im confused....
im afraid.....
worried....
but hopeful you will understand.
no words could ever be used to described it...
all i know, bliss is not even enough.