hating myself for love

why is it that its hard to get mad at times? like, you know to yourself that you want to hate someone but you simply cant get the feeling of hatred? i wonder if its kinda psychological illness, but indeed, its never easy hating someone you love, isn't it?

just this time, i am exactly in a parallel situation with that of my query. damn! i want to shout for anger and sure, im in a hot mood yet cant get that spirit of cursing some insensible creature on earth. im raging but simply dont know why cant i be that way to a person who provoked of that feeling within me.

i hate it! i really hate it!

why cant i hate you? why cant i curse you like anybody else?

grrrrr.......

i hate myself for not hating you!!!!!!!!!!!!

broken promise

its never easily expecting for promises to happen. of course, we hate to have false hopes but sometimes, whether we like it or not, it really happen and its really a pain in the ass. you can just imagine being promised to have this and that by somebody whom you thought to be so true, yet at the winked of an eye, everything has changed (?). well, promises are made to be broken, so they say, but i always believe that that would depends to the person making the same.

i once thought that when a person makes a promise to sombody loved by him, said promise will be, as much as possible be realized. understandably ... its not all the time that when you promise something, that will eventually happen because this world indeed revolves in the term called "change". the weather for one can be a great factor of not fulfilling a promise and we cannot just hate people who cant make it due to bad weather right? that would be unfair. unavoidable circumstances indeed could be a good excuse and it is indeed one of the best escuses we could utilize for promises broken.

the consuelo would probably be to show that there were efforts exerted to have it done yet, nature has prevented it to happen. very valid ? indeed!

it is another story though when someone promises you to do something yet for some personal gratification , that promise cannot be fulfilled. reasons would be because he just would not want to do it? he doesnt mind about you? i dont know. whatever!

priorty of things come into play and sacrificial lambs become the set up of the story. dropping less important and choosing things which will be beneficial to you. that is very human nature. personally, i bite that idea because to think of one's self before anybody else is the basic instinct of man. yet caution must be done...

realistic as it may, the question is, is it proper? it is right to SOLELY cancell a promise at the winked of an eye knowing fuly well that someone is expecting it to happen? aside from the fact that you gave your assurance? is it right to SOLELY withdraw a promise made knowing fully well that somebody, whom you claimed to be dear to you, will be hurt? that it will be a mean thing to the other party? aggravated by the fact that you have been a recidivist in doing broken promises?

i say.... no.....

the words of a person to me, are my bases of knowing him. probably because, to me, my words speak of the honor i have. and honor to me is very imperative. when i say something, even if it will be too hard to attain, i see to it that ill do my best to have it realized. and if ever, despite of giving my best, still it cant be done, at least i have shown that i have tried and given my efforts to have it done. in the end though, i still hate myself for having a promise broken.

learn... learn.... and learn from your mistakes for uttering sorry is not always enough. the spirit of repentance is not the confession but the promise within yourself that repeat, you shall not commit.

i give not my forgiveness, rather understanding to a person who holds my heart.

being committed

i have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. but i have known many who fear of commitment. something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. commitment seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

i must admit though that at some point, i too have some fear of entering into a relationship which somehow will lead to marriage. perhaps because i saw my parents separating too soon during my childhood and this reality immobilized me for so long. i did not want to repeat history and so i have forget about being committed. quite honestly, my principle whenever i enter into relationship then was just to enjoy... enjoy and enjoy the moment. i did not want to make a mistake in short.

as days passed, i saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. then i watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. the fear in me ascends as before becuase of these cirscumstances.

wondering however came into me as i looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. i imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. and yet, on rare occasions, i would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.they seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. it was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. how, i asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? what keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? i asked,... i cant be like them?

finally i met a man who, for reasons unknown to me had introduced a million changes in my life. he never asked for me to do it but i was so amazed by myself why the hell on earth am i doing these things? i know myself better than anybody else and i'm sure, i would not let a man control me. yet, i found myself to be doing exactly the other way around. then i realized, and i must admit,.... i have already committed myself.

i started to ask myself, what made me decide to commit myself to this man?

the central secret seems to be is, i have chosen him irrespective of whether i did it well. i took the risk.

there is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. it is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. this, i agree.

oftentimes, sexual hunger draws us to each other and colors the way we see yourselves together. it blinds us to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. yet, we need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.this perhaps may work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. but they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

the truly lucky partners i may say are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. they get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. they see each other at their worst and at their best. they share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. this is the ideal, but not often possible.

the length of togetherness sometimes is never an assurance of a lasting relationship. the time given in knowing each other even is never sufficient; worst, even love alone is aint enough. there aught to be commitmentin the relationship. thus, if we fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, we need to look beyond because this alone, can mean danger.

these, i acutally did. over come my fears, took the risk of being hurt, let the love within me to flow, and have committed to hold on into a relationship that has given my life of some direction. now, im in bliss, indeed and hopefull i am that it'll be forever.

true enough, i have had some dark history brought about by nature but i wanted to be happy hence, i bid those fears goodbye, instead treated it as lessons learned useful in shaping my tomorrow.

this i want to share to my man: liberate yourself form those fears....and never let yesterday haunt you forever. errs are but normal, happiness depends on us. love not just because youre attracted , above all, love when you feel that you can commit yourself.